When I was young I am frequently told that I was lucky because I was born as an only daughter. I tend to believe it when I was younger. Every December I am writing a letter to Santa Claus for what I want to get for Christmas, then when Christmas Morning comes there was my gift under the tree. But since I wasn’t like any kids, I never really believed that Santa Claus exists. I knew that it was my mom who bought me all those gifts (seriously would you think that Santa Claus would go to a tropical Asian country?). Some people thought that all only-child are spoiled brats, but the truth is that our parents are just making sure to give us what we want and need, because we’re the only children they have and for that I will always be grateful for them. But just like life it’s not always sunshine and somehow it’s kind of unfair.
At some point of life being the ‘only’ is a good thing and being the ‘only’ is also a sad thing. You know that psychological fact that your childhood is a big part of how you will turn out to be as an adult, that never really occurred to me until now. I had a great childhood, I was free, I play with my friends everyday from sunrise to sunset and that’s why now I do love my friends that much, all of them, I treat them as my sisters/brothers from another mothers, they are the closest thing I can get for a sibling. Growing up, my mom used to work at an office and my dad is working overseas, that’s why I had some relatives to look over me but basically that means I am mostly left alone at home. My relationship with my parents isn’t that bad but it isn’t very well even. Since they were working when I was a child I wasn’t really that open to them, we’re close yes, but if you’re asking me if I tell them everything or if I’m comfortable sharing my ins with them, no. That’s why now, I’m very secretive, very private and I just keep everything to myself and in that way it wouldn’t bother anyone.
When people ask me “Masaya bang maging isang anak?” I just smile and giggle a little because to be honest I don’t really know what to answer. When I achieved things like, I’m going to perform at a competition, or I have been awarded with something, or I’m doing great at school, I see them happy and that makes me happy too, to know that at least I have done something for them to be proud of me. That’s why I keep doing everything I can, I’m trying to be the best in everything I can, I have plans for them, for our family so that I can repay them with everything they’ve been through just for me. Then when the tables turn and the days gets darker, and every time my mom cries in an argument that is the time I realize that I don’t deserve them, they don’t deserve a daughter like me, that I became a disappointment, that I’m the reason and the only one to blame.
When I see other families that are ideal, I always have my parents in mind and keep telling myself that I’m trying, I’m trying really hard to be the best daughter, because I’m the only one they got. I just wish they knew that. I just wish they knew in a way that I can only show how much I love them, cause I do. I will always will, they’re my parents. But sometimes I’m still thinking about how different my life will be if ever I have a sibling. I guess i’ll never have to deal with this alone, I never have to post about this, and I guess it’ll never be this hard.