An open letter to the guy I have always wanted, but I will never have.

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I was just choked up the day I saw you at school, butterflies, heart eyes, “it’s just like the other guys I had a crush on, it won’t last a week.” I said. He was the type of crush where I would tell my friends, and I did. Then I saw you again another day at school hitting on that guitar like it’s your lover. I just sat from a distance and I just can’t stop the stare, looking at your hands that bare the melody that feeds my grief, “I think he is not like the other guys I had a crush on.” I said. When you saw me at the terminal with my friend I like to believe that, that was the day and it was. We became friends and we just started talking, now it is more than a week and I am knowing more of you and you are knowing more of me, I wish. “I am already liking him.” I said, “I’m gonna be screwed.” I said.

I never missed a day not noticing you. I ask why I am always seeing you, or is it because you’re all I want to see. When we crossed, our eyes met, your lips did that moon shaped gesture and it just brightens up my day. After that day, after that smile I just started to fight everything else inside. I stopped talking, I am walking pass with my head down, I just feel like it won’t last. Who am right? To deserve someone so right? Who am I to love someone exemplary it makes me feels like I’m in the movies, but I am not the girl from the movies, not even quite. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve the guy of my dreams in this reality and that’s why I stopped.

A few months have gone fast and I did what I’m good at. I killed the butterflies, I buried the feelings, I am good at fighting my dreams and sadly it includes you. Because apparently my wall is stronger than everything you made me feel. Then one day I saw you again in the library, I like to believe that was our place, you were so near yet so far, you were within my reach then you are not. Fuck this being poetic and shit, I like you. It frustrates me that even though you don’t have a fucking clue that I do, I can’t stop liking you and you know what’s worst? I wanted you already. You are all I want, I want you, I want your body, your soul. I want your love, I want it all. You are all the things I am dreaming of and it brings me to tears at night that you will never be mine. It sucks, you make me happy, you make me blue, you even triggered my anxiety like the fuck will I do? When I saw you sad and your dreams crashed in front of you I just looked at you and whispered “I love you.” I was shocked. How could someone love someone who doesn’t have a fucking idea that she did. But still I am hoping that I could be the shoulders you are leaning to that day. But all I can do is see you sad, nothing more and that is what’s sad about this love story. All I can do is see you.

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